My Lips Do More Than Eating
I couldn't say much or anything negative about her, she was my teacher but most importantly my friend's mother after all. I never understood why she felt the need to compare me to her daughter all the time. Too often than not, I would hear comments like "oh you are getting an award for captain of the tennis team, well my girl is getting an academic award" or "your hair is almost as long as my daughter's hair". One day that still remains with me though she is long gone now is the day she talked about me and belittled me in front of the whole class as I sat there and felt the walls caving in on me.
All I asked the boy who sat next to me was if he washed his hands as he had just returned from the bathroom. He said no, I frowned to express my state of disgust and told him to go wash his hands. She obviously found that to be a mean gesture that she went on to talk about my face and how I looked older than I was so imagine how I would look at 20. She egged-on the other kids to look at me and see how I already looked like a woman and by the time I'm older, I would look like a granny. I was 10. Dude, I was 10 years old. In this exact moment I felt angry, confused, embarrassed, afraid and ashamed.
My friend invited me to her birthday party, I went and was happy to go. I remember we were dancing to some music and enjoying ourselves as kids and the parents just sitting around and there was a moment where one by one we would dance and show off our moves. My turn came and as I was dancing and laughing with my friends. I caught a glimpse of her mom and her friends laughing. They were looking back and forth from each other and in my direction. She then stood up and said something to the token off, she's too big all she does with her mouth is eat. I was 10. Why would an adult talk like that about a 10 year old.
I'm not saying this is the reason I have an up and down relationship with my weight, no. It's just that, it's easy to let scars remind you of wounds from the past. Memories last forever but it's how we live our lives that determines the outcome of our future. I could sit all day wallowing in self pity and continue to have low self esteem induced by a broken woman or, choose to live my life the best way I know how. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt and a friend. In addition to all those titles I am an individual who like many others, is just living the best life I possibly can man. There are too many people out there wasting their years away because they are stuck in the past. Kids and in my case grown-ups can be mean but so what? I am a grown woman now, for the sake of my well being and ability to nurture my children I have to let go of all hurt that I experienced in my past.
Years later I visited my friend and I could see the shock and immediate disappointment in her own child when she realized that her child, my dear friend, was now bigger than I am. I'm not making this up, the words came out of her mind. I later realized that I wasn't her problem, she was just projecting her feelings and fears onto me. It sucks that she chose me as her punching bag but thanks to the parents I was blessed with, the blows did not break me.
To you Mrs Broken and Damaged, Rest In Peace. I am finally saying goodbye. For the hurt you caused me as a child, I forgive you. For the constant weight jokes, I forgive you. I just want you to know that I do actually do more than eat with my mouth. I kiss my sons everyday with it. I am an influencer in many different aspects. I am a teacher, I am an encouraging voice to those that need it. I pray and sing using my mouth. I do unmentionable things with my mouth too ;)